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Saturday, August 7th, 2004
7:00 pm - how much you wanna bet no one will notice this...
20 beautiful tulips and delicious chocolate arrived at my door this morning. he wanted me to know he was thinking about me. i think about him all the time. every time i see a white truck. anytime i hear any country song. when i watch a sappy girl movie. when i brush my teeth. when i lay in bed. every second of everyday. it never fails. he's the first thing i think about when i go to bed and the first thing i think about when i wake up. that's how you know. that's how you know you're in love. when after 6 months you still get chills. when after all that time you still get butterflies. he still makes me nervous... but in that relaxed sort of way. it's okay, it doesn't have to make sense. that's why it's so fucking amazing. because it makes no sense at all but it's just right. how wonderful that two totally different people can care so much about each other and can be so happy. i am happy.
15 tearing me down| build me up
Tuesday, December 30th, 2003
12:14 am - whiskey tango foxtrot
you know what fucking sucks balls? when you're sitting at your desk with your face in your hand and you're half asleep. then for no apparent reason your elbow slips and you're brought back to life by that sudden jolt. i mean really. i hate that shit.
11 tearing me down| build me up
Monday, December 29th, 2003
11:36 pm - because what else was i to do tonight?
give me a call

oh you draw such pictures in my head
oh with so few words i know what you said
until the time comes
to carry the one
make that dream real
and be sure it stays done
so let that thought
bloom in your ming
a vision that's caught
never left behind
you should just give me a call
you should just give me a call
i think about you much more than i should
now there's a structure nothing had once stood
no more bluffing it's cards on the table time
what it must be we will take it as a sign
so just give me a call
so just give me a call
sunset and my love left me
winter and i'm so far
in darkness will it lead me
to where the meanings are
i miss you and i think of you often
no flowers i forgot them
the weather's the same
nothing happens
no love's a hard lesson
patience and years will refashion
what hours will undo
and circles not yet quite circles
somehow close true
i keep on hearing the things that you said
i keep on feeling you go straight to my head
no more bluffing it's cards on the table time
what it must be we will take it as a sign
so just give me a call
so just give me a call
i call you up but you won't talk to me
no space for words there's just no room
i drift away but you pull me in
i'm the ocean you're the moon
oh how do i know if it's just me
sometimes i think that it must be
you gotta know you can trust me
i think about you much more than i should
now there's a structure nothing had once stood
no more bluffing it's cards on the table time
what it must be we will take it as a sign
2 tearing me down| build me up
3:36 am - weeeeeeeeee
1) Using band names, spell out your first name:
B- billy idol
R- ramones
A- afi
N- nerve agents
D- damnation (just for you mike)
I- in memorium

2) Have you ever had a song written about you? i'm afraid so
3) What song makes you cry? the hope conspiracy - for love
4) What song makes you happy? coheed and cambria - devil in jersey city (i love you karly)
5) What do you like to listen to before bed? a perfect circle or tool
6) Name a song by Coal Chamber: ???
7) Who was/were your idols when you were younger? daddy (duh), and billy idol
8) First album you ever bought? green day and 311 in the 4th grade... shhh
9) Name a song that reminds you of someone and why: tiger army - incorporeal... don't ask me why but it kinda reminds me of jack, i think it's cause i always listened to that song around those days

HEIGHT: 5'6"
SKIN COLOR: medium i guess
EYE COLOR: green/blue
TATTOOS: one on my right breast... i hella want a second one though

r i g h t n o w

WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING?: blue... i'm in uniform
WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE?: cold and windy

d o y o u

HAVE A BAD HABIT?: just a few
LIKE TO DRIVE?: only at 3am

f a v o r i t e s

BAND OR GROUP or SINGER or RAPPER: always changin but right now it's a perfect circle

h a v e y o u

RAN AWAY FROM HOME: yeah i ran away from home, but my mom went with me, we went to nyc and stayed
SNUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE: i've never had to, my family is cool like that "mommy, it's 3:30 i'm gunna go to east bay and pick up alicia for some denny's" "okay, brandi, drive safe" "i love you mommy"
EVER TIPPED OVER A PORTA POTTY: no but we put fireworks in one
SKIPPED SCHOOL BEFORE: yeyeah, i'm a rebel, i know
FELL ASLEEP IN THE SHOWER/BATH: once, at mike dias house, long night i guess
BEEN IN A SCHOOL PLAY: yeah my senior year i was in grease

l o v e

BOYFRIEND: kinda sorta yeah not really kinda
GIRLFRIEND: no, karly and michele insist on only dating each other
SEXUALITY: i'll just leave this blank
CHILDREN: maybe later
BEEN IN LOVE?: a time or two... yeah, just twice
BEEN HURT?: yeah... jerk
YOUR GREATEST REGRET?: i try not to think that way

r a n d o m

DO YOU HAVE A JOB?: yeyeah, enlisted member of the navy... now what
WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?: that's a whole nother survey right there baby
WHAT'S THE NEXT CD YOU'RE GONNA GET?: i dunno cause i just went cd shopping the other day
WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO?: sleep, workin takes a lot outta ya

w h e n / w h a t w a s t h e l a s t

TIME YOU CRIED?: at boot camp graduation, i was just so glad that i made it through to the end, and i was just glad it was over with, that shit ain't easy
YOU GOT A REAL LETTER?: last week, i got over 50 letters in boot camp, you guys are the shit... this is why i love my friends *muah*
YOU GOT E-MAIL: today from chad
THING YOU PURCHASED: 311 cd and wendys
TV PROGRAM YOU WATCHED: i love the 80s on vh1 (you were watching it so i thought i'd be cool and watch it too)
MOVIE YOU SAW AT THE THEATER?: lord of the rings

y o u r t h o u g h t s o n

ABORTION: your body, your choice, but i still think it's wrong
TEENAGE SMOKING: you know you wanna, shit, i do
SPICE GIRLS: i went to their concert in 6th grade cause i had to babysit drew's little sister, kinda had fun
DREAMS: i can't tell you much about dreams but i can tell you about some "dreams" from nodding if you know what i mean...
5 tearing me down| build me up
Wednesday, December 24th, 2003
10:52 pm - basic
so it's amazing all the things you can do when you have no other choice.
i graduated boot camp and now i'm at my dad's house for the holidays. i leave for pensacola on the 3rd of january and i'm really excited about that. people keep asking me what boot camp was like so i'll just sum it up like this..

running 5 miles a day
gas chamber
push ups till your chest explodes
letters home
letters from friends
shot guns
fire fighting (that was my favorite)
mass casualties
obstacle courses
standing at attention for hours on end
miles of marching
no sleep
7 minutes to eat
10 minutes to shower
really close friendships

overall i had a good time... now don't get me wrong, there were times when i just laid in my rack crying because i wanted to give up, but i didn't... and i made it through and graduating boot camp was by far the best thing i've ever done.

there was one night where we were all gathered around an upside down trash can, and old radio duct taped together was sitting on top. all sitting around in dirty clothes and scuffed up boots with our gas masks in our laps. holding each others hands listening to the broadcaster as he told us saddam was captured. that night was a defining moment for me. it really made me feel good and like i was serving a purpose. we all had a lot of pride that night, and a full nights sleep.
6 tearing me down| build me up
Tuesday, October 21st, 2003
1:17 am - so here is my one last entry before boot camp
i know that i'm only 18 and in no way am i 'grown up'... but i'd like to think that i learned a lot from my high school years. i just want to let everyone know that in some way you've made an impact on my life and helped me learn about myself and the way this world works. i still have far to go in life but without my friends, i would have nothing. so thank you. even if i don't always tell you, or i don't always act like it, each one of you does mean a lot to me. there are those of you who have helped me through hard times and heartbreak, there are those of you who have been there for all the good times, there are those of you who just sitting alone in a silenced room together i have felt comfort from, and of course, there is the one that i loved, and the one i will love someday. i wouldn't take back a day, i wouldn't do it over. i'm happy with the way my life has turned out up to this point. and although i have no promise of tomorrow, i know that i have today, and yesterday. and that is all i need to know. so once again, thanks.

current mood: accomplished
5 tearing me down| build me up
Monday, October 20th, 2003
11:31 pm - g.i. brandi
so as of tomorrow, october 21st, at 2 pm i will be gone for boot camp. so yeah, if i have your address i'll write to you. if not, i'll prolly talk to you in a few months.

i never thought i'd make it here... the united states navy. oh god i'm so excited. wish me luck... or else

current mood: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
5 tearing me down| build me up
1:48 am - janardan
never again will you have the control i can honestly sit here and look you in the eyes and tell you that i hate you for what you've done i hope you're reading this and thinking about it because i'll never forget it i'll never forget what happened i hope you don't either i hope at night when you're trying to sleep all you hear is me screaming i hope it keeps you up and you never rest again because it will be quite a while before i can

current mood: used and abused
6 tearing me down| build me up
Tuesday, September 30th, 2003
2:18 am - mambo
cause that one day, you really were my hero...

current mood: calm
15 tearing me down| build me up
Sunday, September 28th, 2003
3:27 am - i'm not emo... you are
I was once a part of you... But now I have just Fallen Beneath The Shadows.

current mood: distressed
build me up
Thursday, September 25th, 2003
3:24 am
the next few entries are going to be for members only for personal reasons... sorry guys...
8 tearing me down| build me up
2:37 am - coke is better than pepsi
that first touch of ackward hesitation/ a longing equally shared/ fear i may become accustom to his kiss/ 6:36 am and the moon is still hanging above a world of lost souls/ we both know it wants to fall the way we do/ if only everyone could be/ so lucky/

just like that nigga
build me up
Tuesday, September 23rd, 2003
11:17 pm - why i hate airports
if there is a sudden change in cabin pressure
you better believe i won't be on that plane
three hour delays because of a hurricane
haven't you fucking seen wind and rain before
dumb shit
white lights lead to red
overly long lines for the bathroom
did everyone woman on the planet
decide to pee at the same fucking time
dumb shit
caution moving sidewalk ends
what's the deal with an 8 dollar sandwich
tastes like sand paper
i forgot i never even liked sandwiches
if you are seated in an exit row
fuckin a it's so far to baggage claim
dumb shit

current mood: bouncy
4 tearing me down| build me up
8:53 pm - wtf, i love her
FoRmuLa4FaiLurE: Im a deer in a park... woody woo woody woo... I drink the natural spring water... woody woo woody woo... I found it in 1873 woody woo woody woo...

current mood: bouncy
build me up
Monday, September 8th, 2003
12:22 pm - board or bored games
Not so called because they are made out of board, but because that is what you do when you are bored, you play; much like everything else in life. I used to get bored in relationships so I would play. "Just how far can I push this person until they no longer want nothing to do with me… then how quickly can I make them come back to me?" I’m not saying that I’m proud of this I’m just admitting it. The cool thing about board games, however, is that there is a beginning and an end, both clearly identified. You move alone with a goal or objective that has already been decided; now the only thing to do is determine a winner. Too bad the games we play with others can’t be this easy. Karly and I like to play board games, never bored games. I guess that’s why she’s different from most of the people that I associate myself with. Good for her. Good for me.

current mood: bored
2 tearing me down| build me up
2:34 am - The Lift
Elevators have got to be the most awkward place known to man. I have my own agenda until I get inside and see someone else in there. I push the button and pretend that the wall or ceiling is the most fascinating thing I’ve ever seen in my life, because maybe if I look busy I won’t have to engage in small talk. I act like I don’t notice people looking at me; can’t they tell I’m examining the walls? But then they catch onto my plan and just see me as a rude person who doesn’t want to say ‘hi.’ The worst is when they get off on the same floor as me. In my building you can only go one way out of the elevator to exit. So as they get off, I’m not only rude for not conversing, I become a stalker in their eyes. I can’t help it if I park my car in the garage too.

current mood: awake
2 tearing me down| build me up
Thursday, September 4th, 2003
12:08 am - i don't like you very much
I’d like to start off tonight by sending a little fuck you to everyone. Fuck you for never telling me how you truly felt. Fuck her for misleading me. Fuck him for lying. Fuck the world... with love. Fuck everyone who took advantage of my trust. Fuck everyone who just used me to get ahead in life. Fuck anyone who ever said "we’ll still be friends" even me. Fuck the world...and send my regards. You’re not the first person to hurt me, and you sure as hell won’t be the last. I don’t even know who the fuck you are. Don’t tell me to calm down or that I’m over reacting because really I’m not. I hate you. I hate all people like you. You’re not worth it. Fuck the world... like it’s never been fucked before.

current mood: distressed
7 tearing me down| build me up
Wednesday, September 3rd, 2003
10:05 pm - Leave me alone, thank you
People have this way of exploiting your weakness.
They can all go to hell.

current mood: crushed
build me up
Monday, September 1st, 2003
9:43 am - 3 hoping for ever
My best enemy

He bothers me. I’ve told him this before and he simply laughs and asks ‘how?’ But he really does bother me. The way he just assumes I know what he’s talking about. Or the way he doesn’t answer what he knows I’m asking him. I have never been satisfied with the simple ways of life so maybe his vexing ways are the key to our everlasting friendship. I think what bothers me the most though, is that after almost three years he doesn’t even know me, at least not in the way that most people know me. I mean sure, he knows that diamonds make me cry. And he knows that when I sleep in his bed, I hold a pillow to keep myself from holding him. And he knows that I think huge thunderstorms are the most romantic and passionate things that two people could ever experience together. But he doesn’t know whether or not I like ketchup. And he doesn’t know that I put more milk in my bowl than cereal. He doesn’t even know my favorite color. Shit like that bothers me, he just really bothers me. I couldn’t imagine my life without him.

current mood: annoyed
4 tearing me down| build me up
Friday, August 29th, 2003
6:20 am - Insomnia at 6:19 am
I go to bed because there just isn’t anything better to do. I wake up because I can’t sleep all the time. This unnatural habit of mine... unfulfilling. I remember the last time I had a normal night’s sleep. I think I was four. My father held me in his lap and watched me sleep. Every picture that I have of me as a child, my father is always looking at me. Someone once asked me what love is... well that... is love. I guess I will always be daddy’s little girl.

current mood: sleepy
build me up
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